Undisclosed Thoughts

This is a PSA to all the ladies

Ok now I have sat back long enough and watched myself and friends get treated like shit by these so called “men” and I am fucking tired. I am fucking tired of hearing about how you fucking some dude, but he won’t claim you as a girlfriend or treat you as such, but you are giving him all these girlfriend benefits.  BITCH stop! That is what I had to do. Because guess what? You out here getting your pussy banged out, for what, 30 minutes of that oooo wee and nothing more. Then you complaining about how he won’t treat you right and so forth. He is never going to RESPECT you because you don’t respect yourself.  You are out here giving him everything without even making him try. And please don’t bullshit me with that “we go out to eat,” “we go shopping” nonsense because it is all BULL AND SHIT! The money, clothes and dinner don’t bring you no intergrity! It just kinda makes it feel a little better that you letting this nigga bang your pussy out.

Another thing, I am sick of looking at friends settle for dudes they don’t even like! Complaining about the sex, how lame they are, and how they are clingy, but you still giving the dude the pussy! Why oh why are you doing this?! I don’t even understand that shit.  Ok I have some beautiful friends who settle for the losers.  They seem nice, but in all reality they aint on shit.  I just can’t sit back anymore and watch that shit happen.  Its like why are you cooking, driving him around, and fucking him if you don’t want a relationship with him?! You confused like shit girl! CONFUSED! You can’t find another dude if you laying up under the dude you don’t want! AIN’T NO WAY THAT COULD BE ME!!!!

Oh this my favorite thing, not wanting to up your sex partners numbers, so they stick with what they know! BITCH KILL YOURSELF! Ok if you keep the pussy tight and fresh ain’t nobody going to know if you slept with 1 or 100! It’s all about how you carry yourself.  I hate a simple ass bitch that say that shit.  YOU ARE SIMPLE YES YOU ARE! So move on and find someone new and yea maybe ya’ll fuck and it don’t work, but atleast you moved on.

Now I ain’t gone lie. We done all read about the shit I have done in the past and I was once a silly bitch chasing dick with no goals in site.  I am growing up and I a currently in rehabilitation for my hoe ways.  I realize that I want to get married and have a family, so the only way I am going to get that if I stop letting myself get jerked around and respect myself. I am learning along the way.  I am now in a good place with a great man :) and he is treating me like the lady I am.  Ladies listen up and take a look at your life.  Stop talking about how you pimp these dudes and so forth cuz u look pathetic just like the dudes who talk like that.  Stop giving these dudes relationship benefits with NO RELATIONSHIP! Stop being so hard up for male company, you letting someone fuck your walls out and annoy you.  Respect yourself please! I am seeing a sad epidemic when I talk to friends and they are satisfied with being a side piece or not defining their relationships.  WTH?! Bitches (i say this with love) please stop settling for these crumbs and get the full meal. Your man will come! I promise you.  Just take sometime and get to know you and what you want.  How are you going to get a fully put together man if you all confused about what you want and need? How?!

We need to also stop complaining about the lack of good men because it’s mostly our fault why we get treated like shit.  Def black women among black men! We have made it so easy for these guys cuz we’re so scared to be alone and losing a guy that we bending over backwards all while he disrespecting the shit out of us. NO FUCKING THANK YOU! I am not a fan and neither should you be.  Make these dudes respect you and when he disrespect you cut that fool off and let him no where he can take that shit too! 

I might have offended some but I don’t give a fuck. Wake ya’ll simple asses up and get the cum outta ya eye!

I hate holidays.  I am not religious so a lot of the holiday madness just doesn’t do much for me. But the real reason why I hate holidays because it reminds me of how lonely I am.  I don’t have anyone calling my phone wishing me a marry xmas, thanksgiving, or easter.  No one is invting me to church or dinner with their family. It is just me by myself watching as everyone around surrounds themselves with friends, family and/or significant others.  I spent this past thanksgiving in my apartment watching football by myself and eating some rice dish.  I was sad to say the least.   I was talking to someone who was in DC but they made it clear that they didn’t want to spend anytime with me outside of the bedroom (wow suprise suprise).  My family doesn’t really do holidays.  They might cook or something but it’s no big deal.

Today I am in a Debbie Downer mood.  I’m failing a class and I am stressed about graduation.  I don’t have a job lined up so I don’t know what the hell I am about to do with my life.  I am sick to death of everyone around me. I can’t lose weight. My face looks like shit. Basically I feel like poo. And I don’t know if it’s the birth control or what but I am just a mess.

My mom keeps asking why I can’t get a boyfriend. I told her because no one wants to spend more than ten minutes with me.  She just doesn’t understand why I can’tfind someone to be with.  I told her to please lay off.  This is now as bad as the weight thing. Not only do I have to lose weight, I have to now find someone.  The fact that I don’t evn know how to begin being in a relationship or being found (cuz u know u can’t go out looking) by a man is one of the main reasons I don’t have anyone.  Yeah sure I know how to go find someone to screw cuz sluts are easy to find. But relationship material does not swing my way at all.  The last person I saw myself in a relationship with didn’t like me as he repeatedly let me know. Why did I want to be with him? Idk. We had fun together and vibed well, I just wasn’t a girl he would want to be seen with.  He later showed me the type of girl he could be seen with.

Anywho this all depressing. TTYL

I hate birth control and some other ramblings

I started to take my birth control again because I am having sex again regularly and I don’t want to chance it by have teh babiez.  But I fucking hate birth control.  It does what it says, control birth, by totally zapping my sex drive.  Since I have no sex drive, I have no sex and ta-da no babies! I think the minute I slipped the birth control in my vagina (NUVA-RING WHOOP WHOOP!) I totally lost interest in sex.  I went from horny as shit to oh what sex? eh.  I guess this is how depressed people feel when they are on a shitload of anti-depressants. Birth control also make me feel weepy and all female like. I hate it! ugh! But what choice do I have?! I mean using condoms and shit may just enough for you, but I need extra protection so I don’t sweat out my edges!  When I hear of people not even using condoms and no birth control, I wonder how the hell do you sleep at night?! Really how do these people sleep.  I know numerous people who do this. (Yep I’m giving you the side eye) Not only do they have to worry about pregnancy and shit, but what about disease. While they may think that the guy they are with is only fucking them, they are always 90% of the time treated when they find out he’s been sleeping with someone else. And more than likely he’s been busting nuts inside of them too. *shuddering*

Enough of that rant. I watched Twilight last night and that shit was so good! I am now one of those Twilight geeks! I can’t wait for the next movie.  That shit is going to be great!

A light shining from heaven

Ok since my last post was slightly boring, I will spice it up. I’m in a writing mood. So catch me while you can.

Ladies have you ever about to hook up with someone and right before the dude pulls his dick out you pray to the Penis Gods above that the dude is packing that wang?  I know I do.  During the whole kissing thing I like to let my hands travel down and take a deep breath and pray.  Then I open up the belt buckle and pray some more.  Then I unbuttoned and unzip the pants reach into the boxers and exhale.  LOL.  That is really what goes down in my head.

In Miami, I had many of those moments.  I was only disappointed once.  But one guy OMFG I swear there was a light shining on his beautiful dick! I couldn’t keep my eyes off of it among other things.  It was just so amazing.

I have joked many times with my friends about those heavenly dicks.  Those dicks that just not look nice, but performs great too.  This man’s dick performed exeptional.  He was aware of his size and he knew how to  use it.  This guy had me omg I can’t believe I’m spilling the beans on this, but he had me screaming to God.  I never do that. That’s just so wrong to do.    I didn’t want it to stop.  I was actually cumming and not doing some fakery bullshit.

But you ask what does a beautiful heavenly penis look like.  It’s all one solid color and has veins but not to veiny and it’s a nice thick long size.  Now you might have a different perception of a beautiful dick.  This is just my opinion of a beautiful one.

So the thing is, this beautiful penis goes to Howard. I have the opportunity to play with it again, but I wanted to leave all the sex I had in Miami in Miami.  I’m so conflicted because I am having sex with 19 year old and he is amazing. I just don’t know if I wanna spread myself thin like that anymore. I’m not as young and flexible as I used to be.  I’m just so conflicted on what to do.  Clearly there is no possibility of wifing him up because he’s a hoe who gave it up easy (like how I switched it up on u niggas).

So what to do tumblr fam? All 2 of you who read this shit.

Hey yo what’s up! I know how I come and give you a lil and then try to take it away.  LOL. So much to blog about! I mean so much. Let’s first talk about MIAMI!  I had an amazing time! I mean AMAZING!  I got it in in everyway possible.  I will let your own mind figure out what that is lol.

Now that spring break is over, I have to grind it out these last few weeks until my time is up here at Howard. Man am I ready to get the fuck out of here.  I am nervous though because I don’t have a job lined up and I really have no direction for my life. I know what I want to do, but I am not ready to make those moves.  I am just not in a rush to take on big grown adult thangs.  I have all my life to be stuck behind a desk doing corporate finance, why not take this time and actually have some fun without having to worry about a paper being due or a test next week.  I plan on doing some bullshit job while I study for my CFA and GMATs, but I am not about to jump into a world where I will be unhappy. Not now anyway.

Speaking of having fun…I’m having sex with 19 year old again.  I don’t know if it’s because the last part of 08 I had such horrible sex or whatever, but the boy has gotten like amazingly good.  I find myself actually reflecting on our sex during my private sessions.  I know I said hey no more sex until a relationship, but shit the sun is out and the weather is getting better and I can’t help it.  Whenever the sun is out, I lose my mind. All the sexy brothers come out of nowhere and something about sunshine makes me a very sexual person.  So maybe by winter I would have settled down and found someone to actually make a life with.  I just can’t seem to find anyone worthy of all that time and energy.  Def not right now.

ugh this was a boring post. sorry.

. Sex

*for the squirmish this might be tmi :)*

So I’m due in Miami tomorrow afternoon and I’m freaking awesomely excited!  I haven’t been in a while and I’m ready to get it in. However, I started my period yesterday :(.  We have this bomb ass suite where it’s looking like we all our going to get our own space, so this would be the perfect time to hoe it up! Well, I’m one of those girls who don’t give a fuck about a little blood. I mean once you lay down the fuck towel it’s all the same shit anyway. Just don’t look down is what I say.  Well clearly I’m in the minority here.  I know very few girls who would even think about doing it and only one guy who is down for the cause.

This is always a touchy subject to bring up to a new guy I’m banging. I usually only do it with someone I’m seriously banging and not some random hoe on the streets. So when I bring it up, I always get the “Bitch are you crazy?!” look and the yucky faces and shit.  Then I have to explain to the guy that what is happening down there is natural and hey more lube right? RIGGGGHHHT? I always suggest not looking down or doing it in the shower, which is my favorite cuz I get to clean myself up immediately.

Maybe you’re wondering what is the benefits of period sex. For all my ladies who have those horrible effing cramps (like I do), it helps relieve all of that. I’m so serious.  SO SERIOUS! I know you’re wondering how can you be in the mood to do with cramps. Well I happened upon this remedy accidently when I was banging this doctor dude.  I told him I had really bad cramps and he was like ok I got something to make you feel better and he presented my his (very big) dick and proceeded to fuck my cramps away and I felt great. All that pressure that was happening in my uterus just disappeared.  So that is the greatest benefit of all to me. Another one I noticed is that I’m extra horny around this time and can usually muster up more than my usual 20 minute maximum.  Generally I get the lazies after 15 cuz let’s admit it ladies all that showing out and what not get’s annoying.  Well for me anyway.

Anywho, I think I was trying to make a point. Oh yea, so like my period came 2 weeks late which kinda pissed me off because it’s not like i’m out here having buttloads of sex so why come late period?! There is no lesson to teach me.  It just came late because I am going on vacation, thus ruining my plans of having a great time in Miami.  I can’t do period sex with a random of course cuz I’m a prude like that. I have a divacup and all but that only works on the regular sized dicks and I don’t (or atleast try) not to fuck with those anymore.  So why am I writing this? I just want to know how people feel about it. I want to know why people are against it or why the freaking love it.  Holla at me and let me know!

I was gone for a minute…

Wow it’s been a long time, I shouldn’t have left you without a dope beat to step too.

What’s been going on out there?! I kinda missed doing this thang.  This writing out my feelings and shit.  What have I been up to? Man so much and so little.  Where to begin?  Where did I leave off?  I think I stopped in August. Well let’s recap from August til now.

August 2008

So this was the month where I was getting all emotional and coming to revelations about my life.  I was starting to come into my own.  I also was in the process of being in a fucked up housing situation.  Let’s start with the housing situation.  So Pris, Tanya and I was suppose to move into these new apartments in Hyattsville called Mosiac.  Well those fuckers call us 3 weeks before we were suppose to move in and say oh hey j/k we had a water main break.  I called bullshit on that and we requested that they house us in one of their DC locations until we can move in October to the new place.  So they find us a place and gave us options and we chose or  I thought we chose the best option.  Well apparently that option wasn’t good enough for one of the three of us, so they decided to dip. Which was cool, but she told us 3 days before we were suppose to sign a lease. So me and the other girl is stuck and we like fuck OK whatever we can do this. So we put our shit in storage and go home for 3 weeks. When we come back we move into our sublease in downtown DC and it’s superfreaking nice. We are by all the clubs and everything.

September 2008

School starts and of course my financial aide ain’t right.  Basically this whole month I am poor and living off barely any money or food.  I’m basically living like a college student. Oh and I’m not having any sex. None.  I’m 2 months celibate at this point.  I wasn’t really interested in sex or any man at this point.  I was kinda over it.  I tried to find my Mandingo, but he was nowhere to be found.  So I gave up.  I was just trying to get my financial aid right and figure out how was going to eat.  I was still buying makeup and shit though. My makeup addiction is another post.

Our new apartment was the shit. I loved it! I had a pallet on the floor since I didn’t want to buy a mattress until we really moved.

October 2008

My money finally get my money right! School is on track and I’m feeling great about the year.  But some bad news our apartment won’t be ready until November. Fuck that shit.  Pris and I decide to look for a new place.  We find one. A really nice one close to school.  We move during the week of homecoming.  I am geeked for my new place and homecoming! Also I was geeked for a bed!

So homecoming…IS OFF THE CHAIN!  I also hooked up with this prime piece of ass.  He was someone I wanted to bang for a minute and he finally came through with the D.  It was good, but I was a little disappointed in some of the things he presented to me.  *cough*penis size*cough* But whatevs it was good.

After that was Halloween.  I went as Stranje from Boomerang.

November 2008

Ugh nothing really much happens this month. Ohh yea something did happen. I start going on dates! Yes your girl decided to stop boning prime pieces and dating somebody.  Well I wasn’t good at it.  I boned the guy on the first date and let him cum in my mouth. I know boo right.

December 2008

My birthday and finals is all I remember.  Nothing spectacular.

New year, new me (not really though)

So January comes and so did Inauguration weekend and I balled out of control! Damn I did it for OBAMA!

I haven’t really been up to much.  I had sex with the 19 year recently and it made me realized that I’m over the phase of hooking up. I actually like dating and getting to know the assholes I date before I bone them.  Saves me a lot of headache.  God if only I would have known about this dating thing before, shit I would have significantly lower numbers.

And that has been it. See nothing to blog about. I know I had some funny moments in between all that but shit I can’t remember or don’t feel like thinking about it.

I’ll be back I promise! I got so much I wanna talk about :)!

On a hiatus

I’m taking a break from life until October 15.  That means no more personal shopping and no more writing on here. 

See ya then (hopefully)!

My first M.A.C. purchase

When I was a wee bot of 17, me and this girl Zuri went to the MAC counter in Marshall Fields on State Street and asked about makeup! We asked this pretty black girl who’s makeup was applied beautifully to help two pimply teenagers out.  She put foundation and blush on us and then she gave us every black girl staple-OH BABY LIPGLASS!  I was hooked. Oh Baby looked so good on my lips covered with the clear gloss.  I remember writing down all the products that I was to buy and saying that when I got paid, I would come back and get my OH BABY lipglass. 

I got my Oh Baby lipglass and rocked the hell out of it.  I felt grown.  I didn’t need all that other stuff. Foundation and blush (isn’t that for white people?), mascara, none of that.  I was happy with my Oh Baby tube of sexiness.  I was still a Carmex girl though.  I had to keep it hood on some levels. 

My next MAC purchase was Irridescent Powder in Golden Bronze.  I bought this for prom. I never used it and still have a full jar in my bathroom. The MUA told me that I desperately needed it for prom.  I didn’t even have foundation, how the hell was I going to wear some loose powder?  I didn’t even own a brush! 

Prom passed with the help of my friend Kristy and I went off to college.  Soon I was surrounded by girls who wore makeup everyday (and heels wtf!-but that is another story!).  I was suprised to see girls put on so much makeup before going to class, caf, or just to hang out on the yard.  I was still kicking it with Carmex. I had lost my last tube of Oh Baby and I had quit Fields, so I didn’t have the discount to pick up another one.  I was makeup clueless and I didn’t understand why all these girls wanted to wear makeup everyday! My basics of life then was wash my face, brush my teeth, throw some carmex on and keep it moving.  I didn’t use a moisturizer or toner. I didn’t even know what all that did.  I was just concerned with waking up and getting to class semi on time.  When I would sit in class, I would look at all the girls faces and most of them would have on makeup and I would be so amazed.  I never understood why it was so important to wear makeup to class.  I remember having an argument with Saran about how stupid it is to wear makeup everyday.  I remember her storming out of my room and tanya and I laughing.

Then I went on springbreak.  I bought my first foundation. I got a Studio Stick in NW45. I loved the coverage and I look back at the pictures and say damn my face looks good for once.  I was still a novice.  I didn’t know shit else about makeup. I still thought blush was for white people and mascara was a weird thing to me.  And please lets not talk about bronzer.  Ain’t that for white people too?  I thought so until I discovered my roommate (from hell-j/k?) Ayana’s gold compact of bronzer in Refined Golden.  I remember playin in it and loving how healthy I looked. Since I was poor, I couldn’t run out and buy it.  I kept it on my checklist of things to buy.  I still wasn’t rocking makeup everyday, only to the clubs now.  I would finally buy my bronzer the summer of 05 (and my first brush!) and it would be almost a year later before I bought makeup again.

Something in me started to realize that maybe it’s ok to rock makeup everyday.  I didn’t see anything wrong in looking nice everyday.  I liked how well makeup covered up my flaws and brought out my true beauty, so why not feel good everyday. So by springbreak 06, I started to purchase more foundation and some drugstore makeup items.  I was still clueless about everything, but I was starting to get it.  I had a few colored eyeliners and a blush!  I was moving up!  By that summer I had concealer too!  I had finally bought some brushes too!  That school year I started to look at more MAC stuff online and see what things I needed.  I needed a decent blush and a different foundation.  I went to the store and asked questions and I came super prepared.  I was ready to leap forward into my new love-makeup. 

I was buying and trying everything.  I was in love with Studio Fix powder. It helped control my shininess! I was crushing hard on Raizin blush.  I was still weary about eyeshadows, but I had finally copped some black liner and I was addicted to L’Oreal Volumnous in Black.  I still didn’t understand lipglass beyond Oh Baby, so I didn’t waste my money on that.  I was still a Carmex girl.  I was really coming into my own.  I was learning how to apply my makeup and what worked best for me. I wasn’t a full blown addict. I was just learning. 

Fast forward to February of 08.  Something in my went crazy.  I was more into makeup thanI had ever been before.  I remember going into the MAC store after leaving my gyno exam and running down a list of shit that I needed.  My list was Studio Tech (my all time favorite foundation for good and silky coverage), Fix+, and Cellophane pink Lip Gelee.  I then peeped the Fafi line.  The packaging was cute and then I started to reflect on seeing a Barbie line.  I asked the MUA about the Barbie line and she laughed and said that was limited edition.  What is limited edition, I ask.  She then puts me on to something that would be my uprising (or downfall if you believe in addictions). I remember going home and googling “MAC product launches.”  I came to several wonderful sites who helped me learn so much about makeup.  My favorite is Temptalia.com. She gave me everything I needed-swatches, product release dates, brushes to buy, and TUTORIALS!  I was hooked and the next MAC launch was the beauty powder blush.  I was looking up reviews and swatches deciding which colors I wanted. I settled on Serenly and Joyous.  Then the Holy Grail of launches for me happened-Heatherette.  the packaging was hot pink so you know I had to have it.  I went to the store the day it launched and got all the pretty pink packaged things.  I went home and played and I looked in the mirror and said, “I cannot let this get out of control!”

Fast forward to now.  My BlackBerry calendar is filled with launch dates and I spend roughly $200 a month on makeup.  I find myself now giving makeup advice to my friends and I was the last one in the bunch to get on the makeup train.  I am a full blown makeup fiend.  I depot my blushes and eyeshadows and I have multiple palettes. i use lipliner and lip gloss.  I have several lipsticks.  I am still learning how to do my eyes, but I now have all the tools to learn.  I have quality brushes and numerous eye products. I have several mascaras (even the new Colassal which at first I hated but now I love).  I know how to fill in my brows and make them appear shaped even when I haven’t had them waxed in weeks.  I am quickly becoming a pro.  And I love it.

P.S If you ever want to get me a gift, a MAC giftcard will do…