Undisclosed Thoughts

Honestly

I have never been more honest in my life than I have been in the recent months.  I have started living my life with no apologies.  I am who I am.  Love me or hate me. 

I like having sex.  I like to swear.  I like weave.  I like big boobs.  I like men a lot.  I like hot pink.  Shit I just like bright colors.  I like wearing full faces full of makeup.  I like when men stare at me like they have never seen anything so beautiful.  I like tight as pants.  I like for bitches to hate on me.  I like talking shit about you, you and you and then turning around and being your bestfriend. I like to gossip.  I sometimes don’t care about the problems in your life.  I hate hugging, but then I love hugging people I love.  I love to dance. I love electronica music as much as I love hip hop.  I have albums that I am saving for marriage. I like being skinny because I’m hotter than you.  I am hotter than you.  With all that, I am insecure.  Commercials and reality tv sows make me cry.  I love kissing babies.  I am feminist that believes that a man should provide for the woman.  I have great musical taste.  I am mediocore in school not because I’m stupid because I don’t want to apply myself.  I like money.  I fucked my credit up.  I am ambitious.  I enjoy the taste of chocolate more than the average person.

All of the above is really honestly me.  However, there is one thing I can’t honestly do.  Show emotion.  It takes a lot for me to be emotional in front of someone or express my feelings.  I think that’s why it is so incredibly hard for me to pursue a relationship with someone. I use sex as a cover up.  I know before I even drop my panties that I will get emotionally tied to some of the guys I sleep with.  I can also not care (currently that is my situation, not caring). 

I hate to keep revisiting this, but this is the only real live example of life that I have.  Ok so when I was with Kareem, I cared but he kept enough distance in between us so when he used to do mean things, it would not greatly affect me.  I would be hurt, but not where it would make me sad or have that stupid pang you feel.  Plus I knew from get that Kareem was nothing but shit.  He was so full of himself.  I really didn’t care when he fell off the face of the earth. I was actually very happy to be done with his dramatic cunt ass. I enjoyed life free of all the bullshit after him.  I didn’t care.  I didn’t want to be serious with anyone.  I just wanted to fuck, drink, and party.  Also be gloriously skinny.  That’s all I cared about.  Then I met him.  You know him.  Shit I don’t have to rehash who he is.  At first I was just really having fun and I wasn’t going to let it all get to me. As I said before,  I just got sucked in.  I let my guard down.  Not all the way, but I did tell him a lot about myself.  Things that I don’t think should be told to a guy that you’re banging, but someone you would settle down with.  I really let go for the first time.  Then to tell that person all that shit and they turn around and do some stupid shit like what they did fucking hurts.  It really does. I mean the shit makes trusting someone really fucking hard. 

I do not know how to trust. 

That is really honestly me. I don’t trust anyone. I feel like everyone will let me down.  Since I have been let down so many times, it is just second nature. I always fear the worst so when it happens, it won’t sting as much.  I am a pessimist.  So why am I saying all of this?  I am not saying I can’t be gullible because I can. 

So why all of this now.  Well I like someone and I want to trust them.  But I keep having the same thoughts like he can’t possibly like me or want to go out with me. Or that he will not come through on our planned date.  Ugh I just have that feeling of dread all up in my chest area.  Like why even get excited if it might not happen.  Which I believe it will not.

Oh well.